Outlets
by AshleyKatyCat
Summary: Glee was their outlet. What happens when none of them has it as a way to express themselves? Sucky summary, I know. Rated M for what will happen later on. Yes, eventually Faberry.
1. Chapter 1

Glee was their outlet. What happens when none of them have this way to express their emotions?

Yay, second story! I apologise in advance – they'll probably all be OOC because I had a story and kinda had to shoe-horn the characters into it. For the same reason, some of the pairings will be weird.

I think this one is going to be quite long – there will be at least mention of SH/SI and EDs later on, so you may not want to read if those could be triggering to you.

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Glee. Only the plot.

….

Rachel sighs, settling on the single bed in her dorm room. Predictably, her Dads have dropped her off far earlier than needed for the start of her L6th year at Hummingbird Boarding school. She has already unpacked, re-arranged the furniture three times (in the process concluding there is no way to squeeze more than a square metre of floor space out of this room – unless she tapes her bed to the ceiling) and memorised the room numbers of all her friends. Or, rather, the numbers of the rooms that her friends will be in, when they eventually arrive.

Hummingbird Boarding School is a prestigious high school in West Virginia. It was originally founded by an English man, William Hummingbird, and hence uses many aspects of a traditional English boarding school. Due to this, a 9th Grader or Freshman is a 4th former, a 10th Grader or Sophomore a 5th former, an 11th Grader or Junior a L6th former and a 12th grader or Senior is an U6th former. The word "prep" is used instead of "homework" and the campus boasts its own tuck shop. The school was split into four houses; two for girls and two for boys. The girls' houses were called Sparrow and Magpie while the boys' houses were called Raven and Hawk (the school's founder had evidently decided to continue the bird theme).

After acknowledging that it would be at least another two hours until any of her friends arrived, Rachel had spent an hour on the elliptical at the school gym, showered and changed. As she brushed out her hair, Katy Perry's "oh woah" from California Gurls burst forth from her phone. Rachel dropped her brush and rushed to unlock the phone, thankful of some human contact at last.

**Mercedes:** Rach! I'm almost at school and guessing you'll have been there for at least a week :p Can't wait to see you :D xxxx

Rachel grinned, excited to see her best friend. The pair had spent two weeks of summer vacation in Canada together – alongside Mercedes' parents. Despite her friend's constant wish to be talking to her recently acquired boyfriend, Finn, Rachel had had an awesome time.

**Rachel: **Yay! See you soon :) I'm in room 53, you're 60 btw xxxx

Rachel set her phone down on her desk, and, happier now she knew she would soon see her best friend set to doing something only she would do – picking her outfit for the next day. Although the uniform was only set in 4th and 5th form (green and white checked pleated skirt with a white shirt and green jumper with white piping and the school crest), that did not mean 6th formers had free reign. They had all been told to wear "smart business wear". This was simple enough for boys; they only needed a suit and selection of ties and shirts. For girls, however, this was far more complicated. Rachel eventually decided on a black, pleated skirt (flagrantly forgetting the "at least knee-length" rule), cream pussy-bow blouse and red-pink jumper. Moving the hangers for these items to the side of the wardrobe closest her bed, she couldn't help but giggle at how different school-Rachel was to casual-Rachel.

A moment later, her phone announced another text.

**Mercedes: **Come down already! Xxxx

Rachel slipped the phone into the pocket of her green hoody, exited her room and walked through a maze of twisting corridors. A few seconds later, she reached a flight of stairs, and, descending them, entered a common area. A grin broke out on her tan face as she saw Mercedes sat on a plush blue couch…with Finn's arm around her.

It wasn't that Rachel disliked Finn. Well, that is maybe not entirely true. To her, he seemed to be the typical jock; rude, arrogant, a bit of an idiot all round. But, more than this, the way in which Mercedes had "procured" Finn was what bothered Rachel. From the start of middle school until about halfway through 5th form, Mercedes has been in a relationship with Artie, a perfectly sweet guy who would go out on a limb for her. Their friends had spent years joking about how they would get married straight after high school. Then, halfway through 5th form, Mercedes had started sneaking around with Finn. At first, she wasn't really cheating. They were just going for walks and talking. Mercedes confided this in Rachel, who begged her to stay with Artie until at least the end of the term, so he would have time to adapt to the change over the holiday. However, it didn't take long for Artie to become suspicious of why Mercedes was spending so much time with a guy from the year above. He confronted Mercedes, who promised they were only friends. After reiterating this for about a week, Artie and Mercedes broke up, but on very amicable terms, joking and chatting just like before they had become a couple. Everyone expected they would be back together soon. For Rachel, it had been unavoidable being friends with her best friend's boyfriend – but this wasn't exactly a hardship. So when Artie repeated the conversation he'd had with Mercedes when they decided to split – ending with his glibly pronounced "as long as you didn't break up with me to get with Finn!", she knew nothing good was coming. And, sure enough, three days later, Finn's arm was around Mercedes' waist, and Artie was heartbroken. And that doesn't even mention the other side of the story.

Finn had been with a girl in his year; the popular, beautiful, funny and smart Quinn. Rachel didn't know much about this side of the story, not knowing Quinn. But that was about to change. When Finn's hand was first interlocked with Mercedes', Quinn had not known. She hadn't known for at least two weeks. And so Quinn left for Spring vacation in tears. The Quinn who returned was different. She neglected to both turn up to class and do the prep; instead, she spent her time sneaking off campus to smoke and drink. She had done abysmally in the end of year exams – so abysmally, that she was re-taking the year. Quinn was going to be a member of the L6th, alongside Mercedes, Artie, Tina, Kurt and Puck.

….

Any reviews would be appreciated! And would be motivation for me to get on with the next chapter… ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Yay, I wrote another chapter! With actual real dialogue! Before you get down to reading, I'd like to take up some more of your precious time with some thanks.

The response to this, so far, after only one chapter (!) has been phenomenal (at least in my terms)! Thank you all so much :D

And special thanks to Cassicio for not only reviewing, but also coming up with the best pairing name ever. I hope you enjoy this too :)

Disclaimer: Still don't own Glee. Or any of the copyrighted stuff mentioned in this chapter.

….

Resigning herself to the worst, Rachel trudged over to her best friend. Sure, they got a little talking done, but mainly Finn would drag Mercedes' face around to kiss her, and Rachel could only take so much of that. After about half an hour she retreated back upstairs, claiming she had to unpack. Yes, she felt guilty about lying to her best friend, but it was either that or she would puke over both of them.

By this time, it was almost supper. Knowing that everyone officially had to be at school by this time, Rachel fired off a quick text to her two other close friends, Kurt and Tina, asking if they wanted to meet up and walk to the dining hall. After aimlessly playing Doodlejump for a few minutes, her phone's vibration heralded the arrival of an enthusiastic "Yeah! See you in 5?" from Kurt. There was no reply from Tina, but this wasn't really abnormal; Tina was involved in so many extra-curricular activities that she had probably already arrived at school, attended a singing lesson, gone to a play rehearsal and then proceeded to supper with others from the rehearsal.

Her guilt returning slightly, Rachel slipped out of the boarding house through a back door so she wouldn't end up with Mercedes and Finn tagging along. She shook the feeling off, telling herself that she would spend time with them after supper – there was a curfew for when everyone had to be in their own house, so she could see Mercedes then if no other time.

Kurt, stylish as every in skinny jeans and a fitted jumper, practically leapt on Rachel as she scurried out of the rain and under the small area of cover provided by the overhang of the dining hall's roof.

"RACHEL! It's so good to see you! You have no idea how hellish my life was while you were in Canada; my cell plan doesn't allow foreign texts, so I had two weeks of Finn moaning on and on about how much he missed Mercedes…seriously, it was enough to make me want to throttle him."

Before Mercedes and Finn had got together, Finn had been good friends with Kurt; it was in fact this that had led to Finn being added to the group of Mercedes, Tina, Kurt and Rachel. Something the latter two both regretted.

"And then as soon as you were back, you were gone to Europe for a week…believe it or not, that was worse. Apparently Mercedes doesn't care if Finn is hanging out with someone else, she'll come over and suck face with him doubtless."

Rachel found this entirely believable.

"I know, Kurt, trust me. I could only spend half an hour with the two before my mush-quota overflowed. Mercedes may be my best friend, but the two really are nauseating."

"Yeah. We have to hope it's just the honeymoon period. And if not, well…my house's common room is always open!"

Rachel, giggling at his reply, linked arms with Kurt, and the two walked into the dining hall. They were soon both seated with trays of food, and after exhausting the subject of their respective holidays, quickly moved on to discussion of the year ahead. After they had covered subjects, their rooms and decisions on the next day's clothes, the whispers finally became too much for Kurt.

"Really? Is it so impossible for these cretins to see a girl and boy sit together for lunch and not instantly label them as a couple? I mean – " Kurt brushed his hands through his hair ending the gesture with a flick of his wrist that left the brown-blonde strands perfectly organised. "- do I need to put up posters declaring that I have the most _wonderful_…" his tone turned dreamy – "caring, adorable and, obviously, smoking hot, boyfriend?"

Rachel sniggered – it was ridiculous that so few of the students apart from Kurt's close friends knew of his sexual orientation. He practically wore a rainbow flag – or, at least, would if it was in fashion and designed by Alexander McQueen. A half-mocking, half-teasing tone entered Rachel's voice in her reply; "You know what's even more impossible? That they could believe I'd go out with you! Furthermore, that belief is totally cramping my style." Kurt's only reply was to flick one of his peas in the brunette's direction. She stuck her tongue out at him, but before Rachel could retaliate further, one of the dining hall's doors opened. It being directly in her sightline, Rachel received an advance screening of the transformation Quinn had undergone over the summer.

Quinn's downwards spiral from honour roll to failing all her exams had been pretty obvious to everyone last year. Neglect for her health and other's perception of her was also clear. Now, this had all changed. Quinn's hair was short, and a slightly too long fringe fell down to her eyelids. She had exchanged the tight-fitting shirts and short skirts for a baggy t-shirt, loose jeans and sneakers. Arms crossed tightly across her chest and head bowed showed that Quinn did not want anyone to talk to her.

"She's so brave…" Kurt whispered. "I know that _I _would not have been able to suffer the shame of retaking a year – especially at the school where my ex-boyfriend and all my friends were enjoying the privileges associated with being a member of the upper sixth."

Rachel's assent didn't extend further than a nod; it was all she could do to stop her jaw dropping to the floor. She had always thought of Quinn as beautiful, but this Quinn…looking so broken…Rachel had never found anyone more attractive. She watched, her eyes gorging themselves on detail, as Quinn collected a tray of food, walked over to a mainly hidden corner of the hall and began to eat. One hand worried a scab on the opposite arm as she checked her phone; then she pulled a thin book out of the satchel slung across her shoulders and expertly turned the pages with one hand while scooping up forkfuls of rice with the other.

It was at this point that Kurt's hand connected with Rachel's forehead hard enough to catch her attention.

"Ow!"

"Yeah, well, that's what you get for staring. Quinn's arrival may have prompted a gossip blizzard at every other table, but I would like to think that _we_, at least, are above that." Kurt's accusatory tone quickly snapped Rachel back to the present, reminding her that she was in a room full of people – not some private bubble containing only her and Quinn. Much as she would like to be – she shook her head hard to dismiss that thought.

"Um…it's not…that wasn't why I was staring Kurt."

"Worried about her? Oh, you are so sweet-"

Rachel had to interrupt. Although she was normally happy for Kurt place emphasis on her good qualities, she really felt it was entirely unjustified in this instance.

"Nope. I just, uh, liked her sneakers."

"Rachel. You don't know the difference between Vans and Converses. I – oh my god. No! That will not work at all! No no no! Your best friend's boyfriend is her ex. I'm not sure how, but that must be some kind of incest. We need to get out of here and get you a cold shower with a nice dose of reality."

Kurt pulled Rachel to her feet and hurried her along to deposit their trays at the hatch, then practically dragged her out into the freezing night. Kurt's glance at her made it obvious he hoped that the arctic temperature had knocked some sense into her. Unfortunately not. It would take a lot more than that for Rachel to shake her crush on Quinn.

….

The next chapter might take a while – part of this was already written when the first chapter went up. But, as always, your reviews encourage me :)


	3. Chapter 3

I know it's not brilliant, but I wanted to give you something before I go away to a friend's for 3 days. I won't be able to write anything while there, so god knows how long 'til the next update. Just remember…reviews encourage them ;)

Still setting groundwork, but I think in the next chapter or so, things will speed up. I am not going to write every minute of every day, don't worry!

By the way…is it being mainly from Rachel's POV boring? Do you want something different?

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

….

Rachel's alarm started blaring at 6.30 precisely. She was out of bed before she could persuade herself that it was a thoroughly bad idea. Being L6th, she no longer had a "lights out, own rooms" curfew; she had stayed up talking with Mercedes until well past 12. Not that it was the most stimulating conversation of Rachel's life…

Rachel quickly pulled on a black games skirt and white polo shirt, deciding that, if nothing else, a long go on the elliptical should erase the far too detailed description of Mercedes and Finn's first…"coupling" (Rachel scrunched up her nose) from her mind.

The brunette tiptoed downstairs, and into the foyer of this house. She did not want to wake anyone else up – besides being rude, she wasn't sure if using the gym this early was technically _allowed._ She pressed her finger to the flashing red light next to a silver keypad – this futuristic looking contraption was a finger registration system, meaning the school did not have to hold tedious afternoon registrations – and winced as its "beep-BEEP" confirmed that she had registered. This way, if she somehow managed to be late for morning registration (although it seemed unlikely that the elliptical would manage to keep her even until 8.20, let alone past it), the tutors would know she was still alive.

Rachel braced herself, then sprinted out into the cold morning air. Although the gym was only about 200m directly from the front door of the boarding house, the arrangement of hedges and tutors' houses meant she had a winding path of about a 500m. Which isn't far, until you experience it in a very short skirt and short sleeved, _thin_, top when the air temperature hasn't yet got above freezing. Rachel is relieved when she reaches the corridor running alongside the sports hall, and stops briefly at the water fountain before opening the door into a small gym. The space is tiny, but packed with equipment. Rachel hears a whirring and stops in shock. _I wonder who else could be up this early…_ She steps around the corner, and sees, running on the treadmill –

"Tina!"

She gets no response from the other girl, and spots the white cable of her headphones dangling from her ears. The brunette steps up to Tina's side, and pokes her in the ribs. Hard.

"Jesus!" Tina jumps; she was evidently lost in her running. "Rachel, don't **do** that!"

"Sorry," Rachel smirks. "But how are you?"

Rachel steps onto the elliptical next to Tina's treadmills, and the two exercise at lower than their normal threshold, much of their breath being used to discuss their holidays. Rachel finds that Tina, too, is slightly irritated by the constant presence of Finn when she saw Mercedes.

"I think," the Asian gasps, and hour later, "we need to talk to them. **Especially** about the PDA. And, I also think I need a shower." She hops of the treadmill, picks up her iPod and leaves.

Rachel steps off the elliptical checking the calories count – 500 burned. That satisfies her until she peers at Tina's machine, and sees the number "750" in red, luminescent figures. _Well…_she reasons. _Tina was here for longer._

She makes her way back to the house, and by 8 is dressed in her school clothes for the day. She makes her way back to the foyer for registration, and is by far the first there. Evidently no one else had adjusted back to the school routine. Other members of the house slowly trickle in, until all the sofas are stuffed. A tutor begins to take the register at 8.20 sharp, despite how many members are still missing. Part way down the list, Rachel cannot stop her head jerking up when the name "Quinn!" is called. There is no response, and her head ducks down again. "Quinn Fabray!"

"Yes, here." Replies a sleepy yet sarcastic voice. Rachel practically gives herself whiplash by looking round so fast, but is rewarded by the sight of Quinn, short hair mussed, standing in the doorway with her duvet wrapped around her. The moment the tutor moves on to the next name, Quinn has disappeared, presumably back to her room. Rachel gets a strange urge to follow her, but resists. After all, she doesn't want to miss the notices – let alone the handing out of schedules and planners.

Boxes are set out, full to their cardboard brims of the thick planners provided by the school. As Rachel is clearly the only one polite enough to care about queuing at this time in the morning, she is inevitably last to pick one up – and therefore leave the room.

"Rachel-" the duty tutor grabs her arm. "Would you take this and this to Quinn? And be friendly to her…she must feel a little…odd." A planner and schedule are thrust into her hands, and Rachel finds herself walking towards the floor plan that labels each room with its resident – or residents, in the case of the younger years. She quickly finds Quinn's name (like her ears, her eyes seem to be attuned to that particular combination of letters) and is soon knocking hesitantly on the door.

The door opens, and she hands Quinn both items in a rush, trying to avoid looking at her, and, therefore, blushing cherry red.

"Um, the tutor said to give these to you and if you ever want any help or anything or like anyone to sit with at lunch or just whatever then um…" Rachel's voice trailed off. Unbelievable as it seems, the pink polished toe nails of Quinn Fabray did just as good a job of destroying her train of thought as the girl's face. Deciding she has nothing left to lose, Rachel glances upwards. Quinn, looking slightly baffled, is holding the planner and timetable in one hand. Her other – it suddenly darts out to grab Rachel's. Rachel blushes all over (or at least feels like she must have).

"Nice nail polish." Quinn comments, then drops the hand. With a smirk, she closes the door, parting with a brief "Thanks." Just before it slams.

….

Cookies go to reviewers! :)


	4. Chapter 4

I'm sorry this was such a long time coming – I was on holiday and at friend's houses and stuff, but also, for some reason, this chapter was a biatch to write. And I discovered I suck at dialogue.

….

Before the first week of lessons is over, Rachel feels like she has been back at school for months. Her subject combination (Art, English Literature, History and Maths) comes with large amounts of prep and, at least to begin with, she struggles with the workload. For the first month or so, practically all her free time is spent studying in her room. Being friends with the relatively popular Mercedes had always meant that Rachel had a large group of people she would classify as "friends". But with less time to spend socialising, she finds she is drifting away from them, and only still really close with Kurt, Tina and Mercedes.

Rachel is used to Finn by now, so can stand his presence while she sits with Mercedes in their common room, working on their art sketchbooks and discussing English texts. However, he is still not a welcome addition, and neither Rachel, nor the rest of Mercedes' friends, can stand the excessive PDA. After multiple conversations with Tina and Kurt over multiple lunches, Rachel volunteers to talk to them about it. Her opportunity comes when, arriving far earlier than needed, Rachel finds Mercedes has also already made the trek down to the art building.

"Mercedes!"

"Hey, Rachel. How are you?"

"I'm super, thanks. You?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Good day so far?"

They chat meaninglessly for a bit, before Rachel decides to take the plunge.

"Uh…Mercedes…uh, Tina and Kurt and I were wondering if you could possibly, uh, tone it down a bit…"

"Rachel, I don't comment on your knee-high socks, you don't comment on my shirts."

Offended, Rachel looked down at her socks. They were cute, right? And Kurt had said they were just about to come into fashion….two years ago. Realising she was getting side tracked, Rachel shook her head like an irritated cat.

"Um, no, not that, Mercedes. More…the PDA. With Finn? It's a little awkward for us all…"

"Oh…I guess. It's just…he makes me feel so special. And loved. I feel so secure with him, so safe. You know what I mean."

Rachel nodded – although she had broken up with her previous girlfriend over a year ago, she still remembered the feeling.

"Yeah, I guess. But-"

The final word of her sentence was covered by Mercedes' outpouring.

"Thank you! You're the only one who understands. I mean, the others haven't really had relationships, so, y'know." She gave Rachel a wink and the brunette left the conversation feeling simultaneously closer to Mercedes – as if she had been included in a special club – and disheartened as she resigned herself to the continuation of Finn the puppy dog; unable to keep his paws to himself.

Another side effect of Rachel's self-imposed hermit-hood meant she hadn't seen much of Quinn. She would always look for her in morning registration and had a bruise on her upper arm from Kurt slapping her whenever she would crane her neck for a glimpse of the elusive blonde during meal times. Despite the changes between last year's Quinn and this year's Quinn, one thing remained unchanged; her popularity. She had quickly assimilated a group of friends – many of whom would have also been Rachel's friends, if she hadn't been so busy studying. But as it was, the two barely overlapped. Yet, as the first month of school drew to a close, and Rachel found herself more able to keep up with her work, and, as a result, socialise, she found she didn't care as much. The girl's beauty still astounded her, and could result in mumbled, incoherent sentences if she was caught by surprise, but she wasn't really crushing on the blonde anymore. There was something intriguing bout her – the way she so freely offered up the aspects of her past most would be ashamed of, and still appeared to be hiding something.

However, soon, Rachel was entirely distracted from the enigma that was Quinn.

As the weeks dragged on, everyone was becoming more and more impatient with "Ferrari" (as they liked to call Finn and Mercedes). After Rachel's attempt to talk to female half of the pair, both Kurt and Tina had made their own attempts to no avail. Rachel was finding that the more time went on, the more of her best friend she seemed to be losing. The tension finally came to a head one Saturday lunchtime.

All five were sat at the same lunch table – three eating and two holding hands and whispering into each other's ears. Rachel, grumpy from a lack of sleep the previous night, couldn't stop herself from snapping.

"Could you lay off it? Some of us are trying to eat."

"Oooh, time of the month is it?" Finn's snarky response grated on her nerves.

"Well, you'd know all about that, Finn, since you're so needy you must actually be Mercedes' girlfriend!" Rachel's response came out far louder than intended, and all the students at the surrounding tables turned to stare. In too much of a bad mood to put up with this, Rachel stood up, slammed her chair back underneath the table and stormed up to the hatch, carrying her untouched plate.

A few moments later, walking dejectedly back to her house in the rain, she heard footsteps. Assuming it was Mercedes coming to apologise for Finn, she turned and stopped. The brunette could hardly have been more surprised if Mercedes had turned white; her best friend's face was screwed up with anger, and when she saw Rachel had stopped she began to yell.

"I thought you understood me! I've always been there, with you, for you, through everything! He is my boyfriend, and I love him. You may be used to being able to walk all over me, but I've had enough of it!"

Originally, Rachel just stared. She had never viewed Mercedes as a doormat, and the anger pushing itself to the forefront of her brain suggested it was Finn who had told Mercedes that Rachel treated her that way.

"He may be your boyfriend, but I'm your best friend. Don't I get anything from you anymore?" The stinging retort seemed to have little effect on Mercedes – though at least her reply had decreased in volume.

"Yes, you do."

"You will always choose Finn over me though."

"Rachel, that's not true! I like you both equally."

Rachel shook her head sadly.

"I don't think so. If you had been on holiday with him, you wouldn't have been rushing to the hotel every evening to IM me."

When Mercedes couldn't deny this, Rachel turned and walked into the increased downpour.

"You know what, Rachel? I tried to be your friend – but I just can't!"

Rachel spun round.

"Mercedes! I – "

"No! Never talk to me again!"

Through the blur of rain, Rachel saw Mercedes turn and run in the direction of Finn's boarding house. Thoughts moving sluggishly, she stood in the torrential downpour, trying to understand what had happened.

…

I promise reviews and c&c will make the next chapter come faster!


	5. Chapter 5

I'm sorry for the long wait – I had to deal with preparing myself to go through Clearing, then Results day (I got into my first choice! To do English with Creative Writing!) and since then a lot of university planning has been going on. But I was babysitting late last night, so there is this chapter, which, yes, is shorter than normal, but there's another chapter too! I know, two in one go! You better be grateful :L

Don't own Glee, at all. Or it wouldn't be on hiatus.

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Rachel spent the next day in a daze, sure that Mercedes couldn't mean what she'd said the previous afternoon. Her heated glares and pointed changes of seating in any classes they shared suggested she had, but Rachel tried to persuade herself that Mercedes just needed time. However, that did not decrease her worry, and the brunette found it impossible to concentrate on the day's lessons.

After an impossibly long morning, Rachel headed to her room to finish packing for the half term that started that afternoon. After about ten minutes of folding and rearranging, she left her room and found the house completely deserted. Texts to Tina and Kurt confirmed they had already been to lunch, and Rachel couldn't face entering the dining hall. And she'd had quite a big breakfast – big enough that, despite having continued to visit the gym every morning, she could easily justify returning. After all, running was a perfectly pleasant activity to while away the time until her Dads arrived.

About an hour and a half later, Rachel's phone shot into life, blaring "Firework", vibrating, and flashing the words "Dad calling". Recovering from the shock, Rachel yanked out her headphones (I whip ma hair back and forth, I whip ma…) and answered.

"Rachel?"

"Hi, Dad! Are you here?"

"Yeah sweetie. We're in the main car park – we picked up your bags from the house foyer."

"So you've been waiting for a while? Sorry! I got distracted in the gym…"

"It's fine, don't wor-" a rustling came through the phone, and the easy-going tone of Rachel's Dad was replaced by the more agitated voice of her Daddy.

"I was so worried! I thought you had got hurt or eloped with some secret boyfriend!"

Rachel sighed before replying. She had told her parents she was bi before she left on holiday with Mercedes. But apparently that had translated to straight with them. Of all the people you would expect to be homophobic…

"I'm fine, Daddy. I'll see you in a minute. Bye!"

Rachel hung up before her father could continue his berating. She hopped off the elliptical – 700 calories, that should make up for my huge breakfast – and hurried towards the door. She stopped briefly to fill a plastic cup with water, and took huge gulps from it as she hurried towards the car park.

The week's break, although a welcome opportunity to rest, was tedious. Her Dad's found it odd that there was no visit from Mercedes ("Uh…she's just busy with Finn. Actually, I think she might have gone away…"), but Rachel felt far from remorseful. In fact, the more time passed, the angrier she felt. It wasn't as if she had actually been unfair to Mercedes. She had always been the one putting effort into the friendship – calling and arranging meet ups in the holidays, sending texts to confirm times for joint lunches and saving seats in their shared classes. Sure, Mercedes was more popular than Rachel, so Rachel had felt quite privileged that the other girl considered her as her best friend. But it really wasn't fair to expect her to do all the work and then get angry if she was upset one time.

And it was this filling pool of anger and resentment that caused Rachel to ignore the three calls that Mercedes made at 10 o clock on the Wednesday of the week. She replied with a text; "Sorry, I'm meant to be asleep, can't answer", which was in fact true. But the truth of it did not stop Mercedes slamming down the phone after a briefly hissed "So you obviously don't care about our friendship if you can't even be bothered to answer my calls!" when Rachel tried to speak to her the next day.

Something in these words cut Rachel deeply. Honestly, this was the first argument the two friends had ever had. She had been pretty sure they would sort it out, and everything would be better. But those words…Mercedes had injected real hatred into them. And with that realisation, all of Rachel's resentment and anger disappeared. She just wanted her best friend back.

A few hours later, the brunette girl was tucked into bed, unable to sleep. Her pillow was distinctly damp, but she held back any audible sobs, not wanting to worry her Dads. She missed Mercedes. More than anything, she wanted someone she could trust completely to talk about this with – and that person would be Mercedes. Except she was the cause of the problem.

Running through a catalogue of possible distraction, Rachel's brain lighted upon the idea of writing. She had been keeping a diary on and off since the beginning of third form. It had pretty much lain dormant since the end of her fourth year, but she decided the time was ripe to resurrect it.

Rachel picked a pink notebook (the cover obviously embellished with sequins) from her bookshelf, and leafed through the thick pages. She reached the most recent entry (relatively speaking…) and could not help but stare at the thin lines of blood underscoring the hastily written "Goodnight"…

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Please review – I find it so encouraging, even if it's just one word :)


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING: TRIGGERS FOR SH IN THIS CHAPTER.

Even I found it a little triggering, and that was just writing it. So please, if you think you could be triggered, don't read it.

This is the promised second chapter :)

Italics are flashback, non italics are normal.

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_Rachel's first girlfriend had lived over an hour away from Lima, so they had only seen each other twice during their brief relationship. The two had met on a fan forum (Rachel had just discovered Katy Perry and all her friends were sick of discussing the brunette's interest in her remarkable vocal range) and a few months of MSN and Skype had convinced Rachel that Isabel was both a girl and the same age as her – and therefore someone appropriate to give her number to. The two texted almost constantly, with Rachel even having her phone confiscated for two days at school when her English teacher spied her texting under her desk. As Easter break finished, half way through April, Rachel was presented with a glowing talisman to carry her through the next school term; Isabel loved her. Rachel replied that she loved the girl back. After all, what else could you do in such a situation? And she was pretty sure she would love her soon enough…_

In hindsight, it was clear to Rachel that she had been more in love with the idea of being in love, rather than with the girl herself.

_It only took one short month for Rachel to fully and truly fall for Isabel. And only one short month after that for Isabel to decide she no longer loved Rachel. The short length of time, and disproportionate amount of passion that had flared between the two, meant this was no clean break. Rachel's friends had held her as she cried into their shoulders, originally for reasons she refused to disclose. Eventually, when Mercedes threatened to involve a teacher if Rachel didn't explain, the small brunette had sat her whole friendship group down in a circle, and told them the truth. None of them cared if she was bi or gay. But at least one of them couldn't resist telling someone else, and soon Rachel was scurrying timidly from class to class, hoping to avoid most of the "Dyke"s directed at her, and doing her best to block any gay jibes from her ears._

_None of this was made any easier by Isabel's sudden decision to completely cut Rachel off._

In retrospect, this didn't appear too much of a bad idea. Time apart would have allowed Rachel to get over Isabel and move on with her life. Emphasis on would have.

_Isabel would say they shouldn't text for a week, and Rachel would hold out for two days, maybe three. Then give in and start texting Isabel again._

_Although she was no longer in love with Rachel, Isabel still cared deeply for her. So when Rachel talked about how touch things were at school, Isabel reassured her that she was loved and would get through this. Rachel took this to mean Isabel loved her again, and replied that she still loved Isabel. Then received the devastating texts stating "Rach I love you as a friend". The lack of both punctuation and "x"s showed Rachel that Isabel really meant it. That night, curled up sobbing on the couch in her room, she had rolled over, and inadvertently jabbed her legs with the pointy end of a pair of scissors. The physical pain somehow cut through her tears and comforted her. Reminded her that if she couldn't control the emotional pain Isabel caused her, she could at least control how much physical pain she felt. _

_After the summer holidays, everyone has forgotten everything from the previous term, so Rachel had no issues at school. But that didn't stop her from dragging sharp nail scissors across her arm whenever something went wrong. They broke the skin, causing pain, but not drawing blood. If Mercedes hadn't been being so overprotective for some reason that term ("Why aren't you eating, Rach?" "I'm not hungry" – maybe if she was thin and pretty, Isabel would love her again) then "the cat scratched me" would have been entirely believable. Would have worked twice, at least. As it was, it worked once. When Mercedes noticed further lines on her wrist – more obvious this time, Rachel had unscrewed the blade from her pencil sharpener, and actually drawn blood – she went to a teacher. And Rachel was sent to the school counsellor for a few sessions. It took a couple of months before she was completely over it. While still drowning in her unhappiness, straight after Christmas, Rachel had bought a craft knife, cut deeper than ever before, and smeared the resulting blood underneath a distressed sounding diary entry. It wasn't much blood – Rachel had a low pain threshold, so didn't need to cut deep to start the adrenalin racing through her body._

Rachel started at the long dried blood, marring the slightly yellow page. There were lots of very good reasons not to cut; doing it while this emotional could result in her cutting so deep it would require medical attention, the cut (or cuts) could go septic, she would have to wear long sleeves (though that was pretty much a non-issue on the Ohio winter) and cuts were always uncomfortable. And cutting was just a bad thing generally. Wasn't it? Rachel's mind responded sluggishly when she tried to recall why it was such a "terrible thing". It didn't hurt anyone apart from her. It let her feel in control. It kept her calm.

She crossed slowly to her desk, pulling her craft knife out of the pen pot. She pulled off the plastic cover and angled the blade so it was hit by the light. She rested the sharp metal on her wrist, the chill setting her heart pounding. To be honest, she deserved punishment. She'd messed up the best friendship she'd ever had. She was that stupid. Stupid enough that she deserved this.

The sparse beads of blood that marked out three parallel lines on Rachel's left wrist quivered as she reached up for a pack of tissues on one of the top shelves in her room. Seeing she risked drops of blood falling to the floor, the girl quickly retracted that wrist, holding it palm up to protect her carpet, and instead grabbed the pack of tissues with the other hand. After dabbing at the blood, she decided plasters were a necessity; her arm was a mess. The three lines weren't too bad, and could be explained away by an incident with the cat, or just itching her skin too hard. However, the large "M" carved below them would be harder to explain.

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Still begging for your reviews :p


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